Don't be the person to initiate that. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from inside the barn. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life Submitted by Reid Faylor. Ive spent the week with seven beautiful women. Do not fret, my son, says the priest. I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. Milton Jones, Two fish are sitting in a tank. BBLTHRW. Uncle Teds hiding in your closet and hes got no clothes on!. New Flat-Panel Television Pitch Turn-Signal Vermilion Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal Netflix-Envelope Scarlet Cubicle Ecru Unraked-Leaves Sienna Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz Blue-Screen-of-Death CobaltSubmitted by Casey Johnston, One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office. Check out 30 New Years jokes that will have you laughing out loud. ", "What do you call someone who graduates last in their class from Med school? My girlfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face I love sharpies., 32. Ill grant you three wishes, the genie says. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? She has published three web humor books and six calendars, including You Had One Job! Submitted by Isaac Sargent, I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. Why are you doing that? asked the keeper. You know, says the crook, this is more than I wanted to spend. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team A man tells his doctor, Help me. ", "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. One thing about Fred, his buddy says to the bartender. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. Love you too. Laughfactory.com, Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? This moment of friction gifts you access into your partners interior, their map of pain points and insecurities, as well as insights into your own patterns and beliefs. And, of more recent coinage, for our Iraqui readers: Couldn't organise a hanging on a gallows. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. You may not be able to get your kid to eat their greens, but you can at least get a laugh out of them at the dinner table with this comprehensive list of the funniest food jokes for kids. Nasty ex sniffing around? You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying: I just find it funny how Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny., 30. The little boy replied, With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde, 42. The light goes on. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, You must have had a lot of husbands! Submitted by Esther Dawson, Me: I brought some books for us to read. Ah, yes, the doctor said when Norm explained what had happened to him. Never again. Its from Uncle Ben. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes If you have ever been offended by someone with nothing but a gaping mouth and a figurative puff of smoke as a response, you know how tragic a lack of a comeback can feel. @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. Crime in multi-storey car parks. I remember the day I earned my first dollar, he said. I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. I laughed at all of your jokes My love you didn't need to coax Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore . Peterson, she begins, would you say youre honest? Honest? replies the lawyer. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isnt Google. Im 49.95. When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, Yes, but how much with tax? Submitted by Gilles St-Laurent. The walls are so clean you cant run up them. My life is a mess, he says. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. 5. Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister.". He said Thanks! I said Dont mention it., I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. Brand: Top Craft Case. The woman responded, Shes a dentist. GCFL.net, A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. As a result, while in uniform, Im often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. Whats a Queen without her King? Having trouble crafting the perfect message for a birthday card? With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. These smartlight bulb jokes are truly illuminating. Violators will be extracted. Submitted by Helen McNair, My father-in-law, Paul, lives on a farm near Wynyard, Saskatchewan. Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. .s5ap8yh1b4ZfwxvHizW3f{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);padding-top:5px}.s5ap8yh1b4ZfwxvHizW3f._19JhaP1slDQqu2XgT3vVS0{color:#ea0027} Weinstein, Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. Liked what you just read? In fact, people love sarcasm, which makes it a great outlet to get all of that pent-up resentment out while slapping a smile on your face. Doctor: Oh, we are in this together. Dont go down that road. So I gave him all the money I had. You wont look cool if you show everyone just how happy you are with your efforts! Thesehilarious dog punswill give youpaws. Why couldn't the defensive football player pass his test in school? A hobo knocks on the door of the St. George and the Dragon Inn. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. Please joke responsibly. Driver: "Isn't it your job to tell me?". Student: A drinking problem. I dont wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you. The air is so fresh it smells like flowers. Stop! cries the second cockroach. The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning: Windows frozen! His wife texts back, Pour lukewarm water over it. Five minutes later he replies: Computer completely messed up now.Submitted by Catherine Hiscox. This bloke said to me: Im going to attack you with the neck of a guitar. I said: Is that a fret? Thats exactly the effect you want to have! Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Yo mama so ugly when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application. Thanks for the compliment [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback], 48. He knows when to stop.Submitted by Ken Zavislik, The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. During their visit, they noticed a flatbed of manure nearby. Check out the most Canadian headlines of all time. You havent been here a while, havent you? I asked. A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. .c_dVyWK3BXRxSN3ULLJ_t{border-radius:4px 4px 0 0;height:34px;left:0;position:absolute;right:0;top:0}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;margin-top:32px}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3 ._33jgwegeMTJ-FJaaHMeOjV{border-radius:9001px;height:32px;width:32px}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3 ._1wQQNkVR4qNpQCzA19X4B6{height:16px;margin-left:8px;width:200px}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:12px 0}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx ._29TSdL_ZMpyzfQ_bfdcBSc{-ms-flex:1;flex:1}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx .JEV9fXVlt_7DgH-zLepBH{height:18px;width:50px}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx ._3YCOmnWpGeRBW_Psd5WMPR{height:12px;margin-top:4px;width:60px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN{height:18px;margin-bottom:4px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._2E9u5XvlGwlpnzki78vasG{width:230px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN.fDElwzn43eJToKzSCkejE{width:100%}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._2kNB7LAYYqYdyS85f8pqfi{width:250px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._1XmngqAPKZO_1lDBwcQrR7{width:120px}._3XbVvl-zJDbcDeEdSgxV4_{border-radius:4px;height:32px;margin-top:16px;width:100%}._2hgXdc8jVQaXYAXvnqEyED{animation:_3XkHjK4wMgxtjzC1TvoXrb 1.5s ease infinite;background:linear-gradient(90deg,var(--newCommunityTheme-field),var(--newCommunityTheme-inactive),var(--newCommunityTheme-field));background-size:200%}._1KWSZXqSM_BLhBzkPyJFGR{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetBackgroundColor);border-radius:4px;padding:12px;position:relative;width:auto} Honey, whats for supper?. I think my friend is dead! he yells. Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside. He was just going through a stage. How old are you? Thirty-six.Submitted by Melissa Steginus, The other day I was thinking, I must be the most unobservant person in the world. Then I thought, Well, maybe other people are equally unobservant and I just havent noticed before.Submitted by D. Norris, I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. Yes, I said, but I really dont need it., Without missing a beat, she replied, We dont sell things that people need. Joe Caputo. [Read: Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind]. The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: You will soon be reunited with a good friend. Stanley Heerboth, My wife does this cute thing now and then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items. @cravin4. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, I quit., Im not surprised, the head monk says. A young monk arrives at the monastery. Yes, says the waiter. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! How far do you think I can kick this bucket. Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case. Tap To Copy. ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. Thats when youll want to have an arsenal of coy, yet hilarious, comebacks ready in your back pocket. Last New Years Eve, I finished work and raced to catch the bus, but by 12:10 it still hadnt come, so I figured Id likely missed it. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/TopicLinksContainer.3b33fc17a17cec1345d4_.css.map*/, A standard British one is "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.". Why did I have to learn what a rhombus is? Toughest job I ever had? He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! Try giving them one of these funny compliments! My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process. 12 / 102. 71. "What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland? Dont you want to play with any of the toys?, Yes, the little boy bawled, but if I did Id only break them.. The day before both NBC and Fox confirmed she would not be making a return to the networks, Tamron Hall and Soledad O'Brien couldn't help but make a jibe at Megyn Kelly in New York. Dont miss theseclever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate. Young children have a unique superpower: place a toddler in a queen-sized bed and they will find a sleeping position that ensures no one else can fit in there with them. I said to her, Everything is so so white Grandma doesnt even know where the road is. She innocently replied, Grandma, its under the snow. Submitted by Bonnie Gronning, There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office, hence the sign: Dental office parking only. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Im a lawyers genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double. After thinking a moment, the man says, For my first wish, I would like $10 million. Lawyers will get $20 million, the genie reminds him. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a millionaire today. As he sat down, a woman shouted, I dare you to do it again.Submitted by Debra Miteff, A job applicant was asked, What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses? Well, he began, my main weakness would definitely be my issues with realitytelling whats real from whats not. Okay, said the interviewer. They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. Except at a funeral.Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentists office and says, I think Im a moth., The dentist replies, You shouldnt be here. You can only stalk them and hope for the best. [Read:55 funny quotes about love and all its complications], 6. Sir! ! Now, in addition to feeling embarrassed, Jenna also feels invalidated. Mom: Avocado, After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting. !, The second boy says, Well, I sure dont want the @#$%^& pancakes!, An old man goes to confession. The light goes off.. That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. I want to achieve it by not dying. Woody Allen, The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. Reddit.com. Thanks to them, it's easier than ever to memorize one or two quips to fill those awkward silences at your next backyard barbecue. You can only stalk them and hope for the best." [Read: 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications] 6. Here, boy, he replies. This is my step ladder. Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patricks Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. Spell elephant,' the older one said. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes. In fact, my name is Murphy., Aha, thought the agent, heres my man. So he whispered the secret code: The sun is shining the grass is growing the cows are ready for milking., Oh, said the farmer, youre looking for Murphy the spy. And for a shave? Five dollars. All right, he said, settling into the barber chair. They were having an ongoing conversation on Snapchat when he stopped responding last week. Well, the hut one on the left is where I live, says the man. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. Rub one ball and everything moves., 7. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. The only reason Im fat is because a tiny body couldnt store all this personality.[Read: How to be funny and make people love your company], 29. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean? He texts back, I dont know, love you and talk to you later. The mom replies, Its OK, dont worry about it. Whod want to fly an airline that doesnt go all the way? Submitted by Andre Batista. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners $18.49 $ 18. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under the ice!, He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? Lord, he prays. Here are the funniest court cases of all time! Alyshah Mehdi, a 19-year-old from Karachi, Pakistan, has been friends with a guy named Shayyan for a while, but lately, they've had "beef going on" between them, she told BuzzFeed News. Thanks! If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Do you think I look like them? He shook his head. Submitted by Robert Gallagher, I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till. Id like to lose another 15 pounds first.Submitted by Mary Buoye, Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. But that would ruin his credit. Jeannie Gibbs, The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I liked a show just because I watched 13 hours of it. 16. Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember! If you smile whilst youre giving your smartass quote, youre going to take away its power. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. And what about your strengths? Im Batman.Anonymous, After security tackles you on the red carpet? For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. Weeks? 1. If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Robin Williams, 5. What's a cat's favorite dessert? It doesnt have to be Pi Day (March 14) to bring out thesefunny math jokes! 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes I thought: Hes trying to pull a fast one. What happened to ya?, Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. Some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Is someone being a total dick and youre at a loss for what to say? Ye gads, matey, says Morty. My ex had one very annoying habit. I was looking for $150.Anonymous, A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "I'm not sure; I was born with them.". What does a nosy pepper do? But again the camera flashed. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment., The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. Ill tell you whatnever again. Late one evening, Norms doorbell rang. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. Did you hit him with the golf club? Yes, I did, sobs the woman. So now I got me a hook., I was standin on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye., But ya dont go blind from no seagull poop., True, says Sol. 52. ", "I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! Have trouble making it to the punchline? Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Peter Kay. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. Breathe! Thats why this suit is only $30., Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suits left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. The wife says that yes, he could. Mom: How make chicken Daughter: What? I looked at him, puzzled, and said, But, sir, its raining! He replied, Then take an umbrella and water the plants. Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospitals emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, Youve been bar-coded! I, being 72, added, Long past the best-before date. Submitted by Colin Campbell, If you understand English, press 1. Submitted by C.A. Then, it hit me. Then they call me ugly and poor.". Submitted by Paul Lewis, I think my goldfish has seizures, a man tells the veterinarian. Hope that helped raise your smartass quota for the week. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment, instead? Chandler, Friends [Read: Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny], 9. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes! My wifes having a heart attack and youre running around naked scaring the kids!, Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing. Submitted by Franklin P. Jones, One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. Bless me father, for I have sinned, he says. My New Years resolution is to get in shape. A man is on trial for armed robbery. ._2Gt13AX94UlLxkluAMsZqP{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:contain;position:relative;display:inline-block} I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. You were my cup of tea, but I drink champagne now., 13. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. ._1x9diBHPBP-hL1JiwUwJ5J{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:#ff585b;padding-left:3px;padding-right:24px}._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4{height:16px;padding-right:4px;vertical-align:top}.icon._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5{height:20px;vertical-align:middle;padding-right:8px}.QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{height:18px;padding-right:8px;vertical-align:top}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 .QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)} Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. I can only please one person a day. Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. The plane takes off and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. Up in heaven, she sees God. The bear shrugged. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/IdCard.ea0ac1df4e6491a16d39_.css.map*/._2JU2WQDzn5pAlpxqChbxr7{height:16px;margin-right:8px;width:16px}._3E45je-29yDjfFqFcLCXyH{margin-top:16px}._13YtS_rCnVZG1ns2xaCalg{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._1m5fPZN4q3vKVg9SgU43u2{margin-top:12px}._17A-IdW3j1_fI_pN-8tMV-{display:inline-block;margin-bottom:8px;margin-right:5px}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY{border-radius:20px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;letter-spacing:0;line-height:16px;padding:3px 10px;text-transform:none}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY:focus{outline:unset} I cant, says the poodle. Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor.
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