They might feel left out or unimportant. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. One suggestion is to be sure that any connection you two have while youre on the trip is done in private. I dated a guy like that! But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. Armchair diagnosis of either is not useful, but it doesnt hurt to remind people of possible things to consider. It often goes along with a dose of jealousy, as most often, this is about a nice vacation Im going to take or some fun activity. In that case, marriage counseling is great. Her explanation was that she knew that the sun set around 4:15ish at that time of year and it was dark outside, therefore I should be inside. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? Dont defend yourself and dont attack him. And shes the main provider in the family? He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. I dont want men to dismiss womens fears, but I have personally had more experience with the opposite men deciding to tell me why I cant/shouldnt do something adventurous. This is also what I pictured especially if he freaks out like this regularly-ish (every time she has a trip its a big ongoing issue for a chunk of time), his friends might have just learned to ride out the rant with general affirmative noises. He doesnt have friends. I can tell you thisd be a divorce-level issue if I did it with my wife. They may not all work for you, but I hope that at least some will be helpful. So all the brothel skits on Reno 911 were a lie? I had an ex tell me, just after I left him, that hed checked with his friends and they all agreed with him that I was behaving irrationally and crazily about everything I was upset about and had said was wrong with the relationship. Not everything is OMG READ GIFT OF FEAR!!! And that now his family isdisappointed inme. So we'd do 2 four- hr stretches with one long stop in btwn. Theres a section in the book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, that deals with a spouse like the OPs someone trying to manipulate their spouse away from going on an important business trip. I probably filled up that Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom with $100 worth of water during my stay. A week? Me doing anything outside of our normal routine puts an additional child care burden on her, and vice versa. Hes worrying that someone might hurt her, too. If you leave it as a well go eventually and never book it, and also never talk about it, things are gonna get worse. Yeah Im trying to tell myself this kind of misconception is the kindest possible explanation. Actually those are not the only two choices. Wow. He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. Many manage to avoid devil-worshipping sex orgy kidnapping extravaganzas for almost the entire year. About 3 months in (together 3 years now), I went for a very long walk, in a not-well-lit, bad sidewalks area, as I was used to doing. I just want to come back to the point about where the first fear of his that you list off, OP, is that youre going to cheat on him. HE is the one who needs counseling; going together would send the message that its an us issue. Ill wait. But not the end of the world. Couldnt she spend the weekend elsewhere? And myhusband answered, Ididnt want tobring her, but she insisted.Ibooked aticket and went home onthe next plane out. What happens in counseling is that the controlling spouse learns new language to gaslight and manipulate their partner with, and things get worse instead of better. Im surprised that you specify *rural* Saudi Arabia given that Saudi Arabia is one of the least egalitarian countries in the world, with virtually no freedom of religion. Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. Out of curiosity do you know what the statistics in your area for domestic violence? Your brain chemistry & brain function is literally abnormal, for a start. I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. Also accusing someone of cheating so you have to surveil them is right out of the abuser handbook. This concern is not about risk of harm, it is about trust in your judgment. From my experience with family members with these issues, I needed to learn how to help create a healing environment at home. Los Vegas is known more for shows and EDM festivals than anything else these days. I wonder if there are other circumstances in which he exhibits similar behavior. Caveat: I dont think scheduled calls ALONE will solve OPs issue. Its fine. When I go Im all about getting to as many different and awesome restaurants as humanly possible, and sitting by a pool with a book, when some of my friends go its about the nightlife, when my husband goes its about the sportsbook (this was my long way of saying that I agree with you). Ive been unattached most of my life, and am in a life partnership now. And companies love it because it tends to be cheaper than other places with similar conveniences. I am sitting in my car at the airport catching up on AAM before I get back to life and guess where I came from? You are not required to live it with someone who makes you miserable and is not willing to work on the problem. The things she comes up with are completely fictional, not based in any kind of reality at all. Im going to disagree with your last sentence. I do think its a leap to assume the husbands anxiety is the kind you get in GAD, but basically the comments are full of armchair diagnoses and I was exasperated. And Im sure theres a lot more I dont know about. I played the slots for all of 5 minutes and that was it. We were in that stage of "dating" where we wanted to do everything together, only he didn't fly and didn't really enjoy travel. If my wife was going off just to gamble and get wasted with other dudes Id be against that too., I highly doubt he posed it as My wifes company keeps taking business trips to Las Vegas. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation My husband nearly had to go to Vegas for a conference a couple of months ago (were in the UK so its pretty far!) He is just jealous that he cant get off work and go with me! Yeah the strip can be crazy but so can Disney World. Worrying about cheating, sex, drugs, and rock n roll, is worrying about what I will do. Married people travel for work all the time, even to cities with a greater-than-their-fair-share amount of vices around, and they typically behave responsibly and stay faithful. I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. I think (I hope!) He wouldnt try and prevent me from going on one of those trips because it is work, but he used to fret quite a bit and if I didnt text when he expected (or didnt have phone service) he would panic (as in call highway patrol level panic). Dont let his fear poison that for you, it wont end well for your happiness or well being. You deserveit! You also really have to go because youre the primary breadwinner in the family. Havent read the comments to see if this is talked about yet, but I feel like religion has a play here I can see uber conservative religions having more problems with this situation than anything else. Ive actually been there and I agree its overplayed and that corporate concerns are more about flights and conference rooms but its weird to act like youve never heard this stereotype. It is obvious that anyone who says that has never been here, because there arent even that many people who are obviously Muslims living here. I think Id feel safer there than in my own city, where things can get desolate sometimes. I dont gamble and am not much of a drinker/partier and I thought Vegas was great! Yeah, Im wondering who would even give this sort of advice. Agreed! Yes. The following photos show exactly what can go wrong when you try to take a family photo. I was also married to this man. me go. and my husbands main reaction has been I hope you have a great time, and Im glad you are not trying to get me to go too. OPs husbands friends would have a conniption if they heard about my situation! Hopefully, a good counselor will see what, if any, underlying issues may be playing into this mess and refer him in the right direction. I totally went on a family trip to Vegas when I was like 12 or so, and there was plenty of family friendly stuff to do. Hes using the great, ambiguous They to give his personal feelings more weight. Their convention centers are clean, there are plenty of facilities for customer parties, etc. I suspect that he says that because he can frame it as Im only concerned for YOUR safety, rather than When you go to Las Vegas, I feel like I am not in control of you, and that makes me unhappy. I bet he doesnt even really think you will cheatits about knowing that you COULD and he wouldnt see and couldnt do anything about it. As a long-time resident of NYC, people who dont live here assume I spend my days constantly in fear of muggings and/or terror attacks, pepper spray at the ready. His friends also wouldnt let their wives go? I dont know, maybe other people are able to work through this kind of thing, but I couldnt. When Your Partner Does Not Want to Travel - The Points Guy Well, thank heaven theyre not all drug dealers too. If you find that it seems like your husband is starting to use the counselors words against you to get you to do what he wants, then leave counseling. For example, phone #: 123-333-4567. I bet youll have a blast. Hes not thinking logically already, so adding logic isnt going to change his mind. If the city is a well known destination to indulge in vices ( sex outside of a relationship for pay, drinking, drugs, gambling) than its fair to say that its not the most wholesome location. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. He can be kind of inflexible about certain things so the fact that this is 180 degrees from where it was should give you hope. Anxiety is also a real possibility and I hate how offhandedly its been dismissed in most comments. They did indeed get married, and unsurprisingly, it ended in spectacularly bad fashion. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". OP, I feel for you and your husband. Yes, but trailer park crimes are good, upstanding crimes like cooking meth and domestic violence, and obviously those crimes are less dangerous to bystanders than being attacked by a sex criminal just for walking down the street. Haha! Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) Dont answer the phone? Street photography! I just want to comment in support of you and your husband. And here we are, reading a letter from a woman concerned that her career will destroy her marriage because everyone told her husband so. I got friend walks with doggo once a week to give myself what I needed while respecting that my husband didn't " I don't want to travel the world with you to film weddings and turn ever work trip . Being in Vegas to me would be about eating at fancy restaurants, doing the neon lights tour, etc. Hope youre all right, OP. Even if you dont get fired or demoted, youre showing that you arent reliable to do normal business things, and youre missing out on opportunities to grow your career and to network etc. But its also wildly irrelevant in terms of a OPs business trip. And honestly he would be the first to say that the breaks when Im away, and he can eat PBJ sandwiches for dinner, are refreshing for him too. Just to give you an idea, my husband, my 10 week old, and I went to New Jersey this past weekend to see some of my husband's family. Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? It may not be, in this case. Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives. My almost 60 year old mother goes to a medical conference in Las Vegas every year. Nope. Some women even LIVE in Las Vegas! Remember the man who wanted his female co-worker to dress like a Little House on the Prairie extra? My comment is intended to apply to any combination of genders.). Find advice, support and good company (and some stuff just for fun). And ate a lot of food. Pricey, but worth it! He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. Yes, he needs to settle down, and no, Im not suggesting she sacrifice her career because he is stressed, but it really is BOTH their problem. I go out of state to continuing education conferences, I dont know, once or twice a year. Your man doesnt have much of an opinion of you, does he? Counseling perhaps. Its really way to easy to armchair diagnose, and its not helpful. The obvious thing is that anxiety, fear and control issues are not rational, and no matter how many times you state the reality, it wont change a thing. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. Unless therapy can move him beyond this pathetic lack of respect for either her or confidence in his own worth, this is a nightmare of a lifetime to contemplate. She is doing the heavy lifting in supporting the family and yet he wants to control and damage her control. Its a him issue. Couples counseling may be useful but controlling spouses are sometimes effective manipulators and in those situations couples counseling is a terrible idea. From so many comments above, what people are missing here is that none of us knows whether the LWs husband is an anxiety sufferer or a control freak. Because this thing where he insults the moral character of his beloved wife based on the fact that she needs to travel for work? Just a quick note to say can people please stop calling it abuse and then recommending marriage counselling in the same breath. From the outside, his train of thought is totally irrational. Im just going to share my experience if it doesnt fit, let it roll off your back. Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. Not because marriage counseling is likely to stop the abuse you are right, it wont. Give yourself at least 45 min for each stop: time to change a diaper, feed, go to the restroom, maybe change a second diaper before you get back on the road. Often to far away and less-than-ideal places, safety-wise, sometimes for 2+ weeks at a time, and pretty frequently alone. (I lost 30 pounds not eating while she was away, and we both shed lots of tears at TSA seeing her off) Now, new project, wife just did 12 days in Portland just saw her off for 3 days planning there for another two week project there. Just on the wholesomeness scale, it tries way harder to be cool older brother than, say, Omaha or Iowa City. *offers you an internet hug*. And hiking! I went just this month with my husband. Its a him issue. For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. My boyfriend loves Las Vegas, Ive gone several times and always have an excellent time. But I believe that talking it out in clear terms is step one, at least. Should I take him into account? (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). I stayed once at Palms Place, the long-term stay part of the Palms that is set up like studio apartments with full kitchens. Its stupid of me, I know. Unless hes got super-deep anxiety, how do you just kind of throw out but you might CHEAT on me if you go to Sin City!! Is it only the Vegas trip where he has the outsized reaction or is there some anxiety for safety around all trips? Did I stand out? The most important part of travelling alone is that your lover is on the same page as you. Right on the top!! Even if I didnt hear from him or vice verse, we are adults. Echoing this. If its phrased as Wife wants to go to Vegas without me for 3 days but go with a bunch of random guys Ive never met before!. thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. Good luck! The Rio does have huge rooms! I think if OPs husband was acting reasonably, this would be a good solution. But if theyre just attending as a participant, they wont be working 20 hours a day. You have to go because if you refuse, that will absolutely jeopardize your standing in the company. Even if it was a relatively nice day, the fact that there was snow on the road would just give him fits. If possible, Id suggest both individual and joint counseling. And not for couples counselling, either she needs to work on strategies to deal with him. It was a hard thing to learn (Look, Mom, its so simple, just literally never leave the house and Ill never be anxious! sounds SO rational in your head when youre facing lots of catastrophic thoughts!) Your baby may like the car but that is a long ride and a big change for LO so it'll be ok but may not be as smooth as your imagining. I understand having those anxious thoughts, absolutely, especially if youve been cheated on in the past but if youre at the point of accusing your partner that theyll take some hypothetical opportunity to cheat and are foricng them to defend themselves from a purely hypothetical accusation, there are serious issues. He even did it the one time I was staying *in a convent*. Of course, were all operating with limited info, and (lets be honest) a natural inclination to cme to the defense of an AAM reader/writer.. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. OP, do you think hes more worried for you (someone will spike your drink, youll get kidnapped) or worried about you (youll cheat on him)? Vegas has more hotel rooms than any other city in America, and regular flights to an airport located in the city from every other major city in the country. But Im not at all confident this is the source of the husbands issues :(. Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. Im not diagnosing at all. Just because some of the people in that culture are ok with it doesnt mean its magically not controlling behavior because its culture/religion. Your husband is being unreasonable. In fact, it has been a trying fifteen . Ive only been to Vegas twice. Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). But theres no letting about it. Where I live, they would agree with the husbands position. I think it was just awkward phrasing and the intent of the update meant his friends objected to the very idea of letting their spouse go to Vegas. Ack. I am actually going there next week. And have been wanting to take the Grand Canyon tour. Im sure he must have good qualities, but this isnt one of them. We always have a good laugh when one of my husbands coworkers asks him, You actually let your wife go away without you? Though those are also the traditional bogeymen for women out on their own, as evidenced by the many people talking about their mothers fears. I havent missed a day other than scheduled vacation. Exactly. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. I highly doubt these people genuinely agree with him, but are more likely playing the supportive friend role. sienna plantation inventory homes; masters in international law and diplomacy; is daffodil water poisonous; He told me one day that the previous weekend, a few months before the upcoming wedding, his fiance broke up with him while they were sitting on the couch watching TV.
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